monstrous thoughts

each morning i rise
and put on my human face
and go about my human
business but always
lurking is the monster
i truly am.
and like a siren unaware
of her true nature i
will lure you to your
doom and yet cannot
stop
as i dash myself repeatedly
against the rocks
that kill.
the morning…
the morning seems
fresh and new,
the façade glistens
but every day, every
day i see more
of the monster in me.
and everyone loves
a delightful monster.

05.22.12

night falls

night falls
and the emptiness around me
pulls me in
and the darkness, it surrounds me
like a legion of soldiers

crying for my blood.
can i be rescued?
can i even bleed enough
to satisfy the wrongs
that i have wrought?

clouds break
and the fog that tried to blind me
drifts away
and the smoke that dared to choke me
with murderous intent

leaving me wretching
sprawled upon the floor.
will i ever stop hurting?
can i ever truly purge
all i have eaten?

the fruit is always sweet
the old lessons are ignored
the rabbit holes still there
the keys still in the doors.

05.08.12 (hah only started writing this 2 years ago…)

daydreams

eyes closed, i travel
and awake somewhere
else, new or familiar,
real or imagined,
where rules bend
and laws warp and
suddenly
i am right
where i wanted to be.
i hear, i see,
i smell, i taste,
i touch and
it seems so
very real and
i can hardly even
tell that i am
living
in my head.

05.08.12

i will put you to the test

i.
the stains bloom
and blossom,
purpling like a bruise,
like a black eye in
the face of God.
the face of God?
the face of God.

ii.
i am a poor slave.
without someone holding the
chain, i run and run like
an undisciplined child.

iii.
i am a wild mare.
i come and go and
eat from whoever’s hand
that offers the sugar.
i have to be broken.
who will tame me?

iv.
i am dead while i live,
so it says. but i crave
this sort of death.
tooth decay does not
make us hate sweets.

v.
i am told to submit.
who will force me to?
who will put me
in my place? let the
bold one step forth.

vi.
make me want it.
this is my only rule.
draw me in and i
will follow until i die.
then the stain will
be no more. and the
black eyes heal.
i dare you.

 

05.06.12

vacancy

i saw it in your vacant
stare, tired bloodshot eyes
underlined with a soft tinge
of blue puffy folds that
perched upon your cheeks
like a frail bird who has lost
its song. like you. you with
your heart impaled on an
armband you sewed when
you felt purpose in your
fight. but when it crumbled,
you were crushed beneath,
never prepared for what seemed
inevitable to the rest, and
despair swelled like an ocean
with an undertow so vicious that
i thought you were gone.
but you are.

and you will let no
one follow into your
depths where you’ve sank
like a capsized ocean
liner with no may-days.
no s.o.s.
and no lifeboat.

and so as i sit across
from your empty visage, i
silently wonder when
you will come up for
air, to breathe, to let
something fresh into your
stale soul that you’ve
entombed. the crows have
long since left unsatisfied
and the flowers faded.
hope has waned. but i
feel the weight behind
your words and i
will wait in patience for
when you seek relief.

*just a little something i wrote for a prompt ‘the absence of something’

trail

my feet are caked
in mud and dust, a reminder
of all the places i have been.
i take bits of it everywhere.
and like a leaky car i leave
a crude trail as i go. but
i pretend that i do not.

i will not wash
it off, i dare not
forget these lessons
that continue to forge
my soul.

so forgive these bits i
leave in my wake and their
implications. do not scrutinize
too closely lest you also
remember my scars, for pain
has been the one tutor i could
not ignore. it is when we suffer
that we begin to understand.

9.4.11

sealed

sealed my fate in a thousand ways.
it feels like doom and safety,
wisdom and stupidity,
and i sway on feeble branches
back and forth over
the chasm in my mind.
would i have chosen anything
anything else? doubtful.
doom and safety, both
bells at once, their dischord
echoing the song of my heart.
with my voice i weave a
harmony of broken
notes that swell with their
clanging. i know the tune.
i have memorized the score.
it is the song of free will,
each choice a grain of sand
in a desert whirlwind.
and what lay at the center
of my own storm?
what is the true form
of my heart?
i hide my face and press on.

7.27.11